the funniest thing EVER: A FAGGOT GETS HIS DUE, WHICH IS FAGGOTRY
OK so i was going to make a Real Post about certain things i've been feeling and so on, but it'll have to be friends-only and right now i'm kind of busy watching blackadder episodes on my computer. but i was trying to prove a point to kevn (WHO BTW WAS HERE ON SATURDAY AND WE HUNG OUT AND HE BROUGHT ME ACID THAT I'M NOT DROPPING) and ran a google search on "arafat kazi boston phone" to show him that you can easily find my phone number on the internet. i couldn't find it (not on the first page anyway), but what i did find was AWESOME.

most non-IRL, non-BU friends won't know this, but back in freshman or sophomore year the daily free press had an awful columnist called Casey Schreiner. the Freep's standards have never been too high of course, but this dude was abysmally pathetic by any standard. his column was called The Pantomine Horse i think, and he calls himself bupython. I.E. the next incarnation of Monty Python, but in BU!!! that'll be a bit confusing for anybody acquainted with Monty Python because they're funny and this guy is only funny if you forsake all human kindness and empathy for your fellow being. that is to say, casey schreiner was funny in the same way that the book of Job is funny: it's such a pathetic, delusional train-wreck that you laugh because if you didn't the tears would overcome you. that and like Job, he was a fucking jew. (he couldn't spell either.)

so anyway, i sent him meany poo email which he didn't reply to (although ellen "ellen" glassie told me that he was devastated). one of his stupid friends did. these emails aren't as great as i could make them now i guess, but they're still pretty fucking funny and you can see the beginnings of the argumentative style that's gotten me banned from so many livejournals (most recently xlaidtorestx, even though she's an IRL friend!!!). here they are:

this is in response to THE PANTOMIME HORSE: The Divergence Resurgence... Redux

hello mr. casey schreiner.

you aren't witty. you're a second class citizen.

i am going to write to the daily free press to complain vociferously about your tasteless and reprehensible writing style.
this is not the fourteenth century, where in certain obscure parts of europe you might have been burned at the stake for being able to read. however, if i had my way, you would be burned at the stake for being able to write. your literacy is one of the many things wrong with the world today. i have no idea how you managed to infiltrate a fine institution like Boston University, but the fact that it has been done is a better example of the incompetence of the admissions system (and the fact that you haven't been yet chucked out on your ear another testament to the misplaced benevolence of the authorities) than your exclamation-mark-ridden article. (oh and please don't think for a moment that i didn't notice that you stole the exclamation mark joke from an old issue of Mad.)

your attempted irony and satire (though it behooves me to use that word in conjunction with someone like you, mr. animal hinnibile) is squalidly successful in one respect-- when you tried to imitate and correct by means of parodied imitation (a noble cause but best left to Beavis and Butthead to carry out with rather more literary panache than yourself) the Boston University Student Union and its arguably questionable activities, you actually brought your readers' attentions to a more regrettable circumstance in our institution-- namely, the fact that piddling, pithy doggerel writers such as yourself are allowed to remain here. i find it highly opprobrious that not only is your presence tolerated at The Daily Free Press, instead of trying to hush it up like a dirty secret (which, after all, would be fair and tolerant of them), they publicize the fact that they are acquainted and associated with a person or persons called mr. casey schreiner. (on an aesthetic note, putting your picture up there was also a cruel and unusual form of punishment for those of us conscious of certain artistic standards.)

it takes a certain level of academic achievement (though i would assume from your case that in certain situations, so that the majority of the student body doesn't feel too mediocre, they let people like you in) to enter college. that's why most college students, even when being pseudo-sarcastic-pretend-stupid, don't write the way you do. normal college students speak the King's English. and what to stupid college students say? they say "Boston University! All of us here at the Student Union hope your Spring 2002 semester is shaping up to be your best semester ever!"

please note that i don't care what you have to say about the Student Union and am not in the least concerned with their activities (although i do find it pitiful that such a trite issue should still occupy such an important portion of BU media coverage.) however, i feel it very deeply when someone of your mediocre talents tries to pass off insipidity as humor. as a matter of fact, my own words aren't adequate to express the contempt i feel. therefore, in the words of John Dryden (a poet, you wouldn't know him. he didn't use many exclamation marks.)

"...thy gentle numbers feebly creep,
Thy Tragic Muse gives smiles, thy Comic sleep.
With whate'er gall thou sett'st thy self to write,
Thy inoffensive satires never bite.
In thy felonious heart, though venom lies,
It does but touch thy Irish pen, and dies."

i wasn't raped as a child or molested in any way, though i can imagine how your light-hearted description of the Danielsen Hall as being more than a rape-counseling center (ha ha, irony at work again! ) might offend some of our more politically-correct victims of the unasked-for penetration. my complaint about your article does not concern them. my life isn't related to rape victims or the counseling's thereof. i am more interested in what i consider to be a worse offense-- your deplorable perpetrations against good taste that, in being lewdly printed in a paper like the Daily Free Press, makes it that much more degrading. one's photocopying one's buttocks on the office copying machine in a fit of inebriation is excusable. what is not excusable is one's exhibiting that to the world in a cold and calculated manner, vainly hoping that the sight of one's nether regions would excite in others the same atavistic (strongly undertoned by the homoerotic) pleasure that it does in oneself.

it is just such a morally reprehensible and thoroughly unforgivable crime that you have committed, against yourself (unless of course you take a certain masochistic pride in being able to write and hope to excite the finer shades of pity from the less particular breeds of People Who Care) and against Boston University. a monkey throwing feces at people is excusable, because our so-called humanism hasn't reached the point yet where we consider monkeys to be equal to human beings (though, due to a deplorable circumstance, i'm sure some people would consider the likes of you to be a reasoning animal.) however, when the monkey does so in the name of a fine and respectable institution, it brings disrespect and even contempt for that institution, because the aforementioned institution's greatness is challenged by the fact that it allows the monkey to throw feces at unsuspecting members of the general public in its name.

i hope you realize that by producing such arrant nonsense in its most complete utterness, you are being a disgrace to Boston University, as well as The Daily Free Press (although i would have to say that both of these institutions are equally culpable for a) allowing you into the university and b) allowing you to write; however, my argument also brings up a certain question-- are human beings, in treating you like a fellow homo SAPIENS, committing a grave mistake? does it not open up issues on how we should treat the less cognizant of our fellow animals? if we are to treat you as an equal simply because you are two-legged, how are we to treat monkeys throwing feces, even if said feces aren't metaphorical?.) i understand that you might argue that the Free Press is essentially independent of BU's jurisdiction; however, the fact remains that your enrollment in UNIVERSITAS BOSTONIENSIS isn't being denied vehemently (as it should have been), and your opinions are actually printed as worthy of being read (note: i read at a thousand words per minute, and i sincerely regret the fifty four seconds i spent perusing your bland, jejune and rather sophomoric (yes, i'm aware that you're a junior, and that your colleagues, who shall go unnamed, have nothing but disdain for you, but i will refrain from making the obvious pun> discourse disguised as this satire.)

to give you credit, i realize that a) your intentions were good and b) the prospect of thinking up an entire original thought every week is a task which even Odysseus would have blanched in the face of. i also realize that you didn't stop to think that c) people would actually have standards, and d) you needed to send off that column to your mustachioed, cigar-chomping editor because of the global import of your vapid opinions (not to mention the anticipation in literary circles for your weekly installment of wit and wisdom.) however, there's a certain quality that should be upheld, so as not to excite boredom, fractiousness and pity in others. like Dr. Samuel Johnson, "I have no more pleasure in hearing a man attempting wit and failing, than in seeing a man trying to leap over a ditch and tumbling into it.
which is why i have spent so much of my time writing this email, so that you please desist from writing such rank tripe in the future.

please believe me when i say that i have ranted for as long as i did with nothing but your own betterment at heart, and of course the fact that i don't like to see the good reputation of Boston University dragged down into the muddy quagmire of mediocrity. therefore, have a nice day and please, instead of taking offense at what i wrote, use the bile constructively. if you should find yourself making fun of ignorant and irate readers of your column who don't know better than to write bitchy hate mail, then do so. and if it's well written, you have my congratulations in advance. please try to realize that just as you are feeding off the honorable reputation of Boston University, you are also what makes it great. (well, not you particularly, but the student body.) so maybe if you kind of desisted from printing such folderol as has been your wont to do thus far, it would make things better for all of us.

oh and please feel free to reply in any vein you want. after my lengthy philippic, i won't be expecting anything less. you are free to wish me "twirling ever closer to the abyss! Awesome!"

warm regards,

arafat kazi.

this is what his faggot friend decided to write back:

----- Original Message -----
From: @aol.com
To: arafat@wideworldofass.com
Sent: Friday, February 01, 2002 12:13 PM
Subject: Daily Free Press


I would suggest revising your letter to Casey Schreiner so as to include an overlying point. All I sensed from your poorly worded babble was you making an effort to pass yourself off as some kind of superior being in the face of Mr. Schreiner and humanity in general ("i read at a thousand words per minute"), which I sincerely doubt is true. Perhaps you were denied the position of column-writer for the Daily Free Press in the past and decided to take it out on the deserving party who beat you to it and denied you the chance to spout any more fustian gibberish, which I am genuinely grateful for. I think you may need some medication. Talk to your doctor.

and this is my incredibly awesome reply:

dear StrategicError (i'm unable to guess at your name or gender and therefore have no choice but to call you by your chosen epithet),

i believe my letter to mr. casey sreiner had a point. the point was that bad writing such as his should not be allowed to be printed, since it reflects detrimentally on BU's reputation. the fact that you sensed nothing but a pompous attempt at being superior to mr. shriner seems to me more a manifestation of your lack of comprehension skills more than anything else. perhaps you didn't eat your share of sardine and tuna as a child-- they nourish the brain and help it grow.

i have nothing against mr. screneirre and don't even know him. my umbrageous letter to him was purely a result of the love i bear (not Noun: bear 1.-- massive plantigrade carnivorous or omnivorous mammals with long shaggy coats and strong claws, but Verb: bear 1.-- have) for Boston University. in words of few syllables which you should probably be able to get without a haemorrhage-inducing mental struggle-- Boston U good, casey shriller bad (for Boston U). it's my right as a reader to opinionate on something i feel strongly about, which is precisely what i did (just as it is your right to come across my WideWorldOfAss column in an effort to be more literary [or, what is infinitely more probable, being bribed by a couple of forties or some other cheap liquor by mr. shirtler] and express your discontent to me via email).

i will now answer the other points you raised about my letter to our favorite columnist (as well as your remarks upon my personality.)

first of all, i wasn't trying to pass myself as superior to mr. sheylerk, though i can understand how it would be unavoidable to do so. as Dr. Samuel Johnson said that "Sp far is it from being true that men are naturally equal, that no two people can be half an hour together, but one shall aquire an evident superiority over the other."

i've heard anecdotes from loving mothers that second-graders, eager to impress upon Mr. Grown Up College Student mr. shyllox, have recited the English alphabet and have given offense because they too were exhibiting knowledge superior to mr. casey. although i would be the first to advocate universal equality, it's rather impossible to not be superior to him (unless of course one tries very very hard-- nothing is impossible to him who tries hard enough). while i graciously acknowledge (and agree with) your remark on my (admitted) pomposity, my "effort to pass myself off as some kind of superior being in the face of mr. shylaurre-bassington" yields but one reply-- if Boston University had one thousand students, nine hundred and ninety-nine of them would be guilty of the crime of being superior to mr. schchchowler. at the moment, since so many students are being admitted to BU for the fall session, i'm not exactly sure what percentage of them are thus, but i would be reasonably certain, assured beyond doubt in fact, that all but one or two of them would be blameworthy of the same crime you have accused me of.

as for the "thousand words per minute" quote, i do. so do all my friends (and they are nothing extraordinary, except maybe in their patience in putting up with someone as unworthy as me). actually, if you should happen to read David Ogilvy's "Confessions of an Advertising Man", you would find that it is the standard for competency in the first of our revered three r's. i'm sorry to know that you found my admitting to living up to college criteria makes you think i'm aspiring to a higher level of learning. yes, we live in troubled times.

as for your supposition that i was "denied the position of column-writer for the Daily Free Press"-- my friend, i never bothered to apply! i don't believe that i regard mr. shitchler (or columnists in general) with any animosity whatsoever. if i should ever meet mr. casey, i would shake his hand for being so brave as to publish such utter jingoistic folderol as he did. and as to your (false) supposition about my hating columnists-- when i read the first column by mr. merr, i dashed off a congratulatory note to him praising his excellent work. please don't flatter your young mr. shylock by ascribing his gross idiocy to any (supposed) jealousy on my part.

i am, however, glad that you find a certain solace in not having to read anything i might have to say. with the freedom of action that the USA is rife with, you can always choose to not visit the WideWorldOfAss site, and would be most welcome to do so.

as for your last comment, i.e. "I think you may need some medication. Talk to your doctor", i'm afraid you're right. lately i've had attacks of the gout, which is a form of arthritis mainly afflicting my left foot (caused by an accumulation of uric acid). i do need medication and i have gone to see the doctor. she gave me some painkillers (that i'm afraid don't work very well, so that most of the time i do without them) and a walking stick, which i use occasionally and derive great comfort in doing so. how you came to know of that, however, is beyond me.

thanks for writing, feedback is always appreciated.
warm regards,

arafat kazi.

this is back in the WideWorldofAss days of course. the site is down now because stupid jew faggot harvey is a shitlicker, but man those days rocked.

but ANYWAY, i searched on "arafat kazi boston phone" and i found that the faggot had read the hilarity last year when i asked chanda, likke_peny and my pal sabah to send in hate mail to the FREEP because nobody was doing it. (i'd gotten some positive emails but hate mail is much more satisfying; and i'd reply to the positive emails with such insanity that they'd never write back.)

here's the link, you have to run a text search for "kazi" or something. here's a reproduction of his text:

At work, where I am now, I was reading through the web version of my old stomping grounds, the Daily Free Press, when I happened upon some hate mail dedicated to Arfat Kazi, who, as you'll remember, wrote an insane diatribe against me one of the semesters I wrote for the Freep.

At that time, I took Sara's sagely advice and decided not to retaliate or acknowledge the attack in any way. It was satisfying for most of my brain, but extremely unsatisfying for the part of me that wanted roll his fat ass down several flights of stairs. Today, that was done for me ... not once, not twice, but thrice!

That's right. 3 people wrote into the Freep to complain eloquently about Kazi's mind-numbingly awful new column ... and these are adults! Two of them never even went to BU! Oh, the satisfaction. It's wonderful.

Included here are the full texts of the three letters. If you enjoy them only half as much as I did, then you will still be an incredibly happy person. I put my favorite one last.

i think it's only fair that he faggily misspelled my name, since i used to take great pleasure in misspelling his. and since he reproduced the hate mails, i think it's also fair that i reproduce them here. i got into a lot of trouble at the freep, namely with my IRL best friend chad who was my editor and kicked my ass. i felt sincerely sorry about it then because chad only fell for it it because he had an insane fucking schedule at the time and would go days without sleep and it was pretty stupid of me. (i did think he was in on it though.) HOWEVER CHAD IF YOU'RE READING THIS I DID THINK THAT YOU GOT THE JOKE AT THE TIME AND I LOVE YOU AND AM SORRY AND I HOPE YOU'RE NOT PISSED AT ME AGAIN BECAUSE IF YOU ARE I'LL HUG YOU TILL YOU AREN'T.

Kazi column insults nationality
My name is Sabah Rabbi and I am a Bangladeshi studying at the college level in North America in the town of Hamilton, N.Y. I am an Economics major and although I have come here the United States to study, I am still tightly bound to the roots of my culture. I love my adopted land, but my Motherland is Bangladesh.

Recently, I ran a websearch on Bangladeshi articles in college newspapers. I wanted to make friends with fellow Bangladeshis who came to North America and the United States to pursue their collegiate studies. I found, through the wonders of Google, the column in The Daily Free Press called "300 Lbs. and Rising," written by one Arafat Kazi.

I read the latest iteration of his column ("Don't be hating the fat kids," Sept. 29, pg. 3) and I must say, I am shocked to the core of my conservative Bengali being. He is an insult to our culture that is thousands of years old. He talks about Bangladesh's economic poverty, while ignoring the finer sides of Bangladeshi art and other aesthetic achievements. He chose to stress the polygamy and starvation, instead of dwelling on the poetry of Rabindranath Tagore, winner of the 1913 Nobel Prize for Literature, or Kazi Nazrul Islam, the rebel poet. He did not talk about the glorious war of 1971, through which we achieved our innate right – to speak in Bengali.

Being of the upper classes and overweight myself, I also find it highly offensive that he should portray fat people in such a negative light. He seems to have serious problems with his self-image. He also seems to be insecure, choosing to hide his un-Islamic obesity in a mere illusion of confidence. I personally feel he is a disgrace to our nation and your university. You should ban his column from ever appearing again, since he only tarnishes the international repute of Boston University. This is not what we came to America for.

Sabah Rabbi
Hamilton, N.Y.

AKA MY FRIEND SABAH WHO LETS ME GROPE HER IF I MAKE A SADDY POO FACE AND WHO IS IRL FROM BANGLADESH

Columnist’s jokes in poor taste
I am a Boston University alumnus who has only recently just begun to engage the new digital frontiers of the internet. One of the first things I did when my wife and I bought this computer was check how my old alma mater was doing. Can you imagine how surprised I was to see the extent of Boston University’s internet presence? Well, anyway, let me tell you, I was quite pleased to discover that I might “keep in touch” with BU through the web, and was especially pleased to see that the BU student journalists were going strong. I had hoped that the paper would provide a counterpoint to the official party line of Silber and company. (He was just as bad then as he is now, except now he’s not running for governor).

Overall I have found The Daily Free Press to be an essentially rewarding experience and one which I do not shy from reading in its near daily output. However, as of late, I have felt as though something has been going horribly wrong with this “lifeline to my past.”

I speak of the new column “300 Pounds and Rising,” which, first of all, has the sort of name that has absolutely no place within an academic forum, and secondly, while starting out in reasonably bad taste, has slipped with its most recent article “Don’t be hating the fat kids” into the worst sort of filth (Sept. 29, pg. 3).

Have the new editors at the Free Press gone mad? As a person with a mild weight problem, I can not stress the utter insensitivity this sort of thing represents. I come to the Free Press with an expectation that I might engage with my old school and instead am subjected to the sort of vicious taunts that characterize so much of our national discourse.

In particular, I find the title of this article, “Don’t be hating the fat kids,” to be a joke in poor taste, as this article is about nothing but hating fat people, and is perhaps the single most insensitive taunt in the whole thing. If this type of article is the sort of material published by a “free press,” I sincerely urge the editors of this publication to reconsider their mission and investigate the true meaning of the press within any context: university, social or economic.

I intend to no longer support Boston University with my charitable donations until I see some form of improvement in the editorial standards of the Free Press. Thank you.

Robert Broker
CAS ‘87

AKA JARETT BIZZYLIZZY AKA likke_peny WHO IS MY IRL BEST FRIEND HERE AND WHO NEVER WENT TO BU!!!!!!!

and the best of the lot:

‘Fat’ column thin on substance
I don’t deserve this, you know. I’m a fairly decent human being. I don’t kick puppies, berate the elderly or cheat on my taxes. I should be able to sit down at my computer with a cup of tea and and the latest edition of The Daily Free Press without being treated to this confused, torturous excuse for a featured article.

Perhaps instead of eschewing celery, Mr. Kazi should heed the words of Mark Twain, (who enumerated James Fenimore Cooper’s literary sins much more ably than I will be able to enumerate Mr. Kazi’s) and eschew surplusage. This is certainly the most self-indulgent thing that I have read in many moons, and I work for lawyers. So, Mr. Kazi says he is fat. In point of fact, he says it over and over and over again, in what would probably be amusing ways if he had even the slightest grasp of the concept of humor. As it is, though, one slogs through this excessive verbiage with no interest in Mr. Kazi’s poundage, or his supposed popularity in cyberspace. Indeed, if his blog or site or what-have-you is crafted with the level of “skill” displayed here, I can only imagine that his retinue (if it indeed exists) is peopled exclusively by the extraordinarily stupid, Republicans and rabid, poo-flinging apes.

So, what I am saying is this: say something. Be witty, or persuasive, or tell me something (interesting) about your life. I need another liberal arts major who enjoys public literary masturbation like I need a marmoset in my breakfast cereal.

Chandra Green
Norwood, Mass.

AKA MY LJ AND IRL FRIEND chanda WHO I LOVE TO BITS BECAUSE SHE IS THE CUTEST FUCKING WOMAN IN THE WORLD AND I WOULD KILL HER STUPID HUSBAND brigand IF SHE'D MARRY ME AND I LOVE YOU CHANDA!!!!!!!!

i left a comment on his shitty weblog here, which goes:

arafat kazi @ 9:15PM | July 5th 2004 | permalink

HAHAHA that's so fucking awesome that you posted this and that your friends have so much hate for me. i actually got into a lot of trouble at the FREEP for it, especially with chad berndston who was my editor and who's been one of my best friends throughout my college career.

you see, the problem was not that i got hate mail. the problems were, respectively, that:

a) there exists no bob broker. that's a fictional character made by a friend of mine because i wanted some hate mail to funny things up.

b) chanda green is a friend of mine and frequently mentioned on my livejournal, and chad was too smart and put 2 and 2 together.

c) you guessed right: sabah rabbi is ALSO a friend of mine and i wrote that letter for her and asked her to send it. i guess you'd have to be less of a thicko than you are to realize that phrases like "un-Islamic obesity" could only come from MY genius.

so yeah, casey, you should be KIND OF happy that i got into trouble until you realize that it was me being too clever by half anyway!

and tell your racist "hatemongering" friends that i may be fat and brown and so on, but i'm not stupid and i can spell. i can't believe that even YOU would be so dumb as to fall for the joke. MAN and this is actually one of the results on my name on google. that SO fucking makes my day.

keep on keepin' on, casey. someday you too will be funny.

yr pal,
arafat kazi.

re: his friends' hate, it's pretty fucking awesome. here's what his friends said:

Hemlock @ 2:04PM | October 2nd 2003| permalink
That's tremendous.
Pun intended.
Thanks, dude!
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DJ @ 6:15PM | October 3rd 2003| permalink
Maybe you didn't notice, but with that last letter on Kazi's column, and a righteous-as-usual letter condemning the Free Press's coverage of the Student Union, Wednesday's Opinion pages managed to print the phrase "literary masturbation" twice.
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Lee @ 7:39PM | October 3rd 2003| permalink
Tee Hee. The Freep said Masturbation.

Also, I hate that guy. A violent, visceral hate that started way back when he wrote mean things about your column, spurring me to go read his offensive webite. Hooray for sane people!
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Wolf @ 7:16AM | October 5th 2003| permalink
Arafat Kazi is both a fattie and a hatemonger. These things in conjuction will demand that I beat his chunky face in with a hobnailed boot upon my return to the motherland.

Sharpenin' his hobnails in the meantime,
Wolf

FUTH'S NOTE: THIS WOLF IS A FAGGOT AND A FURRY. HIS LIVEJOURNAL IS wolfhaus AND HE THREATENS ME WITH VIOLENCE AND MAKES FUN OF MY PHYSICAL STATURE AND IS A REDNECK RACIST!!!
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shayna @ 10:51PM | October 11th 2003| permalink
unfortunately that gelatinous mound is most likely lapping it all up like it was yesterdays mayo-lard ambrosia pie. ghhh..

i hate him. and his fat head. if that makes me a hatemonger, so be it. but at least i aint no verbose fattie.

OH MAN THIS IS SO FUCKING MAKING MY DAY!!!!!!!!! what a fucking faggot. you'll see on his lj userinfo that his sentences are godawful. example:
I am a student of television at Boston University, who is about to graduate. I am a writer who, at times, is a sketch comedian. Other times, I am also a columnist.
HAHAHA FAGGOT!!!!!!!!!! oh and he looks like tenaciousb, who i've stopped disliking but the whole indie music/aspirations to intelligence thing is making me laugh harder than anything in the world ever made anybody laugh.

(FUTH'S NOTE: casey actually doesn't look like tenaciousb and that was going too far. even though tenaciousb and i have had our differences in the past, we have friends in common and since i've admitted to not hating tenaciousb i might as well apologize.)

anyway, you guys should go and post on Casey Schreiner's Celebration of Faggotry, which is currently featuring pithy commentary on Farenheit 9/11, and call him a faggot. this is off-site so i'm not violating TOS or anything, right? plus, his friends are all fucking assholes anyway who make fun of someone just because he's a few lbs heavier than they are. WAY TO GO FAGGOTS!!!

P.S.: EDIT: i also heard reports that casey schreiner was "greatly depressed" and "on the verge of tears" when he got my emails.